| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2004|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited / overwhelmed | ] |
I've never had so much attention for something unrelated to school. I'm not quite sure what to do! It is nice though. People who hardly know me are suddenly approaching me to congratulate me. They all ask to see my ring. I don't mind showing it off, of course.
Gina (the president of our Sigma Pi Sigma chapter) was supposed to email me with new information about The World Year of Physics 2005. Well, I did receive some information on that in addition to a long list of tips for planning a wedding. (Gina got married in January.)
This weekend James and I are making trips to both Ashfield and Stoneybrook to meet with our families. The excitement is starting to die down a little. (I'm still excited, of course, but I'm getting used to the idea.) Now we have to get down to the business side of it, including setting the date for the wedding.
My immediate family knew before I even told them. James asked my parents for my hand in marriage, which is sweet and old-fashioned. I'm glad he did. How could he have known that my parents love old-fashioned courtship? Claudia and Will were involved in planning the entire proposal. Naomi had a major role in it, too. And what a success! The proposal went above and beyond my wildest expectations.
It hasn't completely set in yet.
Janine Yamakawa.
James apologized in advance for sticking me with a four syllable last name that some people have difficulty pronouncing. I kissed him and told him I would manage.
I just posted on the Stoneybrook Message Board since I haven't done that in awhile. I thought I should mention that I'll probably be going to Columbia in the fall. As for the reason for the change, I'll have to keep them guessing a little while longer. I don't think I should announce anything until we've set the date. |
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| ::Action Thread: The Proposal:: |
[Feb. 20th, 2004|06:00 pm] |
Dramatis Personae:
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE:
JANINE is in her bedroom at her apartment, getting ready for a date with James tonight. Her roommate, NAOMI, is sitting on Janine’s bed, watching her get ready and almost bursting with the great secret that she knows but can’t tell.
Naomi: “Let me try something with your hair, Janine! Please?”
Janine: ::smiles patiently at Naomi’s reflection in the mirror while brushing through her jet black hair:: “I was just planning to wear it down. James likes it loose anyway. And besides, there isn’t time.”
Naomi: “Oh, okay.” ::glances at Janine’s closet:: “What are you going to wear?”
Janine: “Um, I think I’ll wear my pale blue top with my gray skirt.”
Naomi: “That long skirt you have?” ::makes a face:: “Please don’t wear that.”
Janine: ::rolls her eyes:: “Okay, okay. Pick something else for me then.”
Naomi: ::hops off the bed and goes to the closet::
Janine: “So… what are you doing tonight?” ::sticks small silver hoop earrings in her ears::
Naomi: Helping James pull off the biggest surprise of your life!
“Oh, nothing really. I have some schoolwork to catch up on. I’ll just hang around here and do that.”
Janine: ::frowns slightly:: “I have to get to mine tomorrow. I really don’t like putting it off like this.”
Naomi: You have more important things to do tonight!
“Just forget about it. You won’t be thinking about school tonight.”
Janine: “I’ll try not to. It’s just that I have to meet with Dr. Abbott in the lab Monday and I need to be--”
Naomi: ::interrupts:: “Ta-da! I happen to know that James loved how you looked in this.”
Janine: ::studies the outfit - a red long-sleeved, v-necked top and black dress pants:: “I almost forgot I had that. That’s really nice.”
Naomi: “It should be. I helped you pick it out, remember?”
Janine: “What would I do without you, dear roommate?”
Naomi: ::grins broadly:: “Oh, I’m sure someone else could find it in their heart to take care of you.” ::winks::
Janine: ::grins back at her and glances at the digital alarm clock:: “Yikes, I have hurry. We’re meeting in the bookstore. I don’t really understand it, but we’re meeting in the bookstore…”
Naomi: ::laughs:: “I guess he’s run out of places to take you!”
Janine: ::laughs too, shaking her head:: “Maybe so.”
Naomi: “Precisely why you should go to Columbia for grad school and be with him in New York.”
Janine: ::frowns a little:: “I think I really want to. I just don’t know if it’s that simple.”
Naomi: “Oh, but I think it can be.”
Janine: ::shrugs as she takes the outfit from Naomi and slips into the bathroom to change into it::
::applies some makeup and squirts on a little perfume before stepping out::
“Okay, how do I look?”
Naomi: “Like you’re ready to …” get engaged! “… go out on a date!”
Janine: “Yeah. To the bookstore." ::rolls her eyes and laughs as she grabs her coat and heads out the door:: "Bye!”
Naomi: “Bye! Have fun!”
ACT ONE, SCENE TWO:
JANINE walks into the bookstore, still wondering why James wants to meet, of all places, at the University Bookstore. It’s quiet. No one is in the bookstore on a Friday evening. Feeling a little awkward, she looks around and doesn’t see anyone. There isn’t even anyone at the checkout counters. But she notices something else on the checkout counters. Are those… they can’t be… A stack of textbooks is on one of the counters. Not just any books. Her books. Her books from her first semester at Yale. That’s when JAMES stands up behind the counter.
Janine: ::starts:: “Oh my lord! James Yamakawa!” ::puts her hand to her heart and breathes::
James: ::grins smugly:: “Hi, how my I help you?”
Janine: ::raises her eyebrows:: “Um, you can start by not scaring the living daylights out of me.”
James: “Okay, if you need any help, just let me know.”
Janine: ::gives him a puzzled look:: “Are these…” ::looks at the books:: “… are these my old books?”
James: “Did you find all the books you needed, ma’am?”
Janine: ::staring at the books:: “These ARE mine! Did you… I was looking for one of them just the other day. How did they get here? How did you…?” ::looks at him for an answer::
James: ::doesn’t break character:: “Great. I’ll ring them up for you.”
Janine: ::stares blankly::
James: “So, are you majoring in physics?”
Janine: ::stares and then smiles:: “Oh. I know what I’m supposed to say now.” ::plays along:: “Mm-hm. I’m a double major. Physics and computer science.”
James: “Impressive. I’m starting law school myself.”
Janine: ::nods, and tries to remember her “line”:: “Impressive, yourself.”
::She opens one of her books and is stunned when she sees a rose pressed between the front cover and the pages. Blushing a little, she puts that book aside and opens the next book in the stack. It also contains a rose. So do the other three under that one. After finding all the roses, she glances up at him, her cheeks a bright shade of pink. He’s holding out one more when she looks up.::
Janine: ::takes the rose:: “James! This is so sweet.”
James: “Two and a half years ago, this is where we first met. I was working in the bookstore back then. You were just another student buying her books. I noticed you, of course, despite not knowing who you were. Pretty Japanese girls tended to catch my eye. Our conversation sounded a lot like the one we just had. Little did I know, we already had a connection…”
Janine: ::sniffs the flower and puts it with the others:: “…Claudia and Will…”
James: “Our personal matchmakers. When we met up the park for the “first” time, I knew I’d seen you somewhere before. It took me a little while to remember just when and where it was… but your face isn’t something I could forget.”
Janine: ::still blushing:: “My face is probably blinking like a stoplight right now!”
James: “I love making you blush. And I’m not done just yet. Janine, two years ago to this day, I asked you to be my girlfriend. I almost ruined that in December. I’m still making up for lost time. I want to show you how special you are to me, Janine. Will you come to another place with me?”
::Suddenly speechless, Janine simply nods::
James: ::picks up the stack of books and motions for her to follow him out of the bookstore.::
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE:
JANINE is still trying to figure out the situation. JAMES hasn’t said much since they left the bookstore and got in his car. He drives around campus and pulls up to the University Library::
Janine: “First the bookstore, now the library… okay… interesting.”
James: ::just grins as he parks the car and comes around to open Janine’s door for her::
Janine: ::gets out and takes his hand as he leads her down the familiar path to the large oak tree::
James: “This. Right here.”
Janine: “What? The tree?”
::James lets go of her hand and sits under the tree. He picks up his textbook that was conveniently lying there, waiting for him. He buries his head in the book as though he’s been reading it, and then looks up. Janine just smiles knowingly.::
James: “Janine!”
Janine: ::laughs:: “Hello, James.” ::remembers she’s supposed to be serious::
James: “Rosa told me you got a new job.”
Janine: “Uh… yeah.” ::tries to keep a straight face:: “I did.”
James: “Do you have to hurry off? I’d like to talk.”
Janine: ::plays it up:: “Well, actually, I DO have to hurry. I’m in a terrible rush and there’s simply no time to sit and talk when--”
James: ::cuts her off:: “That’s not what you said!”
Janine: ::rolls her eyes playfully:: “Well, that’s what I almost said.”
James: “I’m glad you didn’t.”
Janine: ::smiles and sits down beside him under the tree:: “Me too.”
::He kisses her, while thinking to himself that this is going very smoothly so far. After they kiss, he stands up and offers her a hand to pull her up. He pulls her to her feet and, hand in hand, they walk back to his car, while saying nothing as Janine quietly wonders what James is up to.::
ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR:
JAMES pulls up to their next and final stop, the University Theatre. JANINE is even more puzzled because the theatre makes even less sense than the bookstore and the library. Still, she plays along. Once again, he leads her to yet another location without saying a word. She follows as he lets her in and leads her down a corridor. He stops at one of the stage doors::
Janine: “Um, James. I think it’ll be locked.”
James: ::opens the door::
Janine: “Okay, I was wrong. I wonder why it’s not locked.”
::They go in and the door closes behind them. Janine is somewhat startled to find that they’re all alone in pitch darkness in the theatre. Her heart starts pounding without warning.::
James: “Is this scaring you?” ::notices that she’s grasping his hand::
Janine: “No, not exactly. I’d, um… I’d just like to know why we’re standing in the dark.”
James: “Oh, I can fix that.” ::pulls a tiny flashlight out of his pocket and shines it at their feet::
Janine: ::gasps as he shines the light on the stage floor, revealing a path of rose petals::
James: ::speaks softly to her as he leads her out onto the stage:: “A path of petals for you and me. Our relationship has taken us down many paths. It all started in the not-to-distant past when you and I first met. You were just buying books. I was just doing my job. Who would have ever guessed where that would lead us?”
Janine: ::simply nods and listens as he leads her along::
James: “Our siblings brought us together. And our love grew quickly. It was growing and maturing even faster than we were. Or, at the very least, even faster than I was. I was scared at times. I knew there were really only two paths that I could take."
::He stops with her at the center of the stage where the path of petals ends and stands facing her, holding both of her hands in his.::
"Do you know why I brought you to this stage?”
Janine: ::shakes her head wordlessly::
James: “This is the beginning of a new future for you, Janine. For me, too. For us both. Here’s where you’ll be when you graduate this semester. And I’ll be here, too. Doing the same thing. So now we’ve seen it all, haven‘t we? Our past, our present, and… now our future. Having you by my side has made all the difference in my life. And today…” ::takes a deep breath as he gets down on one knee:: … today I want to promise this future to you…”
Janine: ::bites her lips as tears come to her eyes and smiles blindly at him as the lights start to come up slowly on them and she sees his face::
James: “Janine, will you marry me?”
Janine: ::covers her mouth with her hands as her tears start to fall:: “…Yes!”
James: ::holds out the ring and places it on the hand that Janine offers him:: ::after a moment, he rises to his feet and for once this evening, he too is left speechless.:: “Wow.”
::They both laugh. Janine throws her arms around his neck and they kiss.::
Naomi: ::yells from the light booth:: “WOOO! ENCORE!”
Janine: ::jumps back, startled:: “… Oh, my lord.” ::starts laughing at what happens next…::
The lights comes up, revealing several of James and Janine’s friends sitting in the audience. CLAUDIA and WILL are sitting there. (Thankfully, not Janine’s parents!) Even a few of their professors are in the audience. They start to applaud for the couple. JANINE looks at JAMES and he shrugs. Janine laughs again, forgetting to be shy, and does a curtsey. Beside her, James takes a bow of his own.
((TO BE CONTINUED... in a stoneybrook_ct action thread.)) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2004|12:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
What's the meaning of this? Is she insane? Is she kidding? I hope she's kidding.
I guess I don't have a very good idea of what's going on in Claudia's life right now. The last time we really talked was when I called her to tell her that James and I were back together. We talked about the SATs a little, too, but that's all. Said nothing about her personal life.
I'm rereading the comments I made to her post last night in between summarizing my observation reports. Yikes. I'm a bad sister. The lesson here is... never multi-task when it comes to family matters.
I need to call Claudia this week to talk about Claudia. Not me. I've got to be patient, understanding, and, well, not impossible to talk to. I also need to plan on visiting home soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2004|12:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
School. Thesis. Work. Romance.
I'm not sure which is the most time-consuming at the moment, but I do know which one makes me the happiest. And it isn't work, school, or research.
:D
He sent me flowers at work today. No reason. Just because. (That's what sparked me to get online during the last part of my lunch break and write this silly, giddy lovey-dovey journal entry.)
I love him.
Our relationship is better than ever.
(And not just because he sent me flowers!) |
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| Action Thread |
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|05:11 pm] |
FRIDAY @ 5:11 PM
::Janine parks her car in front of the university library to pick up her work schedule for next week. She also reminds herself to look something up in one of the medical journals before she leaves. Her mind is a million miles away and certainly not on the person she encounters sitting under the large oak tree, caught up in reading a book. She stops and stares, stunned by the sight of him::
 : ::feels her eyes on him and looks up:: “Janine!”
 : ::stiffly and formally:: "Hello, James."
James: “Hi. How… are you?”
Janine: ::shrugs:: “Tired.”
James. ::uneasily:: “Oh. Yeah, I guess so.
Janine: ::just as uneasily:: “Mm-hm.” ::shoves her hands in her pockets::
James: “Rosa told me you got the job you were wanting.”
Janine: ::puzzled look:: “Oh, you, um, talked to Rosa recently then?” She didn’t tell me.
James: “Yeah, of course. I …still talk to everyone.” Just not you.
Janine: “Oh, right. Of course. Well, see you later.” ::turns and starts to walk away::
James: ::a beat:: “Wait… Janine?”
Janine: ::turns around and meets his eyes, but says nothing::
James: “Do you have to hurry off? I’ve been… I’d like to talk if you…”
Janine: ::quickly and abruptly:: “I’ve got the time, yes.”
James: ::smiles a little:: “Good. Would you like to go inside somewhere? It’s freezing and you don’t have a coat on. We could go over to… maybe to Off-Grounds?
Janine: ::Her heart skips a beat as he mentions the little coffee shop on the edge of campus, the location of their first official meeting.:: “Oh…” ::pretends to clear her throat:: “… okay, sure, that sounds nice. I have to get my schedule and do… some other things. Mind if I just meet you there say around... ::checks watch:: ... 5:40?”
James: “Sounds good to me.”
Janine: “Okay. See you then.”
FRIDAY @ 5:37 PM
Janine: ::walks in to the nearly-empty coffee shop, and sees James already seated on the large leather loveseat in the corner. She smiles politely and takes a seat next to him on the loveseat. She sits with her shoulders straight and her hands folded in her lap. For a moment, neither person speaks.::
James: "Would you like to order something?"
Janine: "No, thank you. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake."
James: ::chuckles softly:: "Not a bad idea for a working girl."
Janine: ::just shakes her head and looks down at her hands::
James: "So… how are you?"
Janine: ::still looking down, quietly speaks:: "You already asked, and I said tired."
James: "Oh. Huh." ::fidgets and licks his lips nervously:: "I guess I did."
Janine: "I guess so. Is that all you wanted to know?"
James: "No. Of course not."
Janine: "Then can you…" ::takes a deep breath and lets it out:: "…can you get to the point? Sooner rather than later? What have you to say to me?"
James: ::caught off guard:: "Janine, I-" ::pauses:: "I’ve thought about what I wanted to say to you for- for quite some time now. And I… to be honest, I can’t even remember how I’d planned to begin. I guess what I’m saying is I-I wish there was a way to just undo the past month. Maybe I’d like to have it back. But, then again, maybe I wouldn’t. I… learned a lot this month."
Janine: ::coldly:: "I’m sure it was quite a lesson for you."
James: "Janine, please… don’t…"
Janine: ::with attitude:: "Who was she, James? I suppose she was a good teacher."
James: "She?" ::raises his eyebrows:: "You think I broke up with you for someone else?"
Janine: "Why else do people break up?!" ::crosses her arms in front of her chest::
James: "I- I don’t even know anymore. I don’t know why people break up, Janine. You’re the only person I’ve been with since I was in high school."
Janine: ::fighting tears:: "…And that was a bad thing?"
James: "No!" ::reaches for her hand:: "It wasn’t. That’s… that’s what I know now. Now I know it without a doubt in my mind."
Janine: ::bites her lip as tears start to fall and whispers:: "I knew it before. I didn’t need to break up to find out…" ::sniffles:: "…if I’d miss you." ::smiles sadly as a tear rolls down her cheek:: "I already knew I would."
James: ::bites his lips and looks down:: "I’m so sorry for hurting you."
:: Janine nods and lays her head on his shoulder. He takes her hand in his and strokes her fingers softly. Neither speaks for a few moments as Janine lets herself cry on his shoulder.::
James: ::takes a deep breath:: "I’ll tell you what I learned, Janine. It was something I already should’ve know. I think I did know, but I couldn’t make sense of how I felt. Having never known what it would be like to lose you, I took you for granted, Janine. Now that I know, I-I don’t want to be without you anymore."
Janine: ::bites her lip:: Are you saying you want to get back together?"
James: "If the offer still stands… yes."
Janine: ::sighs and sits up straight:: "I’d like to tell you about the past month."
James: ::nods:: "If you’d like to. You don’t have to tell me about whoever you-"
Janine: "-but I think I should…" ::smiles a little and wipes away her tears:: "…I guess I learned something, too. Mainly from spending some time with a couple of guys I used to know."
James: ::raises his eyebrows:: A couple of guys? My, my.
Janine: ::teases him:: "You weren’t the only one in line for me, you know."
James: ::smiles:: "No-no, I-I wouldn’t think I would be, no."
Janine: "They both attended high school with me, and unfortunately, back then, I was much too shy to get to know very many people. One of them invited Rosa and me to go to a party with him on New Year’s Eve. Then he invited me out for a nice dinner and a round of drinks on my birthday."
James: ::nods slowly and winces at the mention of the birthday that he missed::
Janine: ::decides to relive him:: "This particular guy… is taken. Oddly enough, by the mother of one of my younger sister’s best friends. It’s a rather awkward situation, in fact, but the point is that, no, we weren’t romantically involved."
James: ::lets out the breath he’d been holding:: "I can’t hide my relief."
Janine: ::without missing a beat:: "However, then there’s the other guy, Charlie…"
James: ::his face falls::
Janine: ::pauses and thinks:: "I’ll be perfectly honest. I had a huge crush on him in high school. Charlie is wonderful. He’s sweet, generous, and caring. We had fun together. I went to get-together at his house and saw some of my old classmates, but I spent most of the time getting to know him better. He gave me a personal invitation to dinner at his house on two occasions. As recently as last weekend, in fact, he invited me over."
James: ::interrupting her:: "I understand, then, if you’ve developed feelings for him and want to be with him. It isn’t fair of me to try and get you back. I mean, I should’ve known you’d find someone new. You’re smart and beautiful and… Charlie’s a lucky guy."
Janine: ::smiles:: "James?"
James: "Yes?"
Janine: "I like Charlie…" :: James looks down at his lap:: "… but I’m not in love with him."
James: ::looks up at her:: "Oh? And… what about us? I mean… what about me?"
Janine: "I’m mad at you."
James: "Yes, I deserve that."
Janine: ::takes a deep breath:: "But it doesn’t stop me from loving you." ::leans over and kisses him gently:: "And forgiving you."
James: ::surprised:: "That I don’t deserve." ::kisses her back::
Janine: "No, you don’t."
James: ::laughs lightly::
Janine: ::leans against him and closes her eyes, feeling happier than she's been in a long time::
End Scene. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2004|02:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
I don't know why I keep doing research on Columbia. James was the reason that I applied there in the first place. Now that we aren't together, why do I bother?
...I hate to say it, but Columbia might be the better choice. They actually offer a master's degree in applied physics with a specialization in medical physics. Yale doesn't have that particular option.
Oh, well. That's all irrelevant. I'm not going there. There is nothing else for me there. I'm getting into Yale's graduate school, and this is where I'm staying. I think. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 12th, 2004|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | How Do I Live | Trisha Yearwood | ] |
Well, I saw him today, and I cried my eyes out over it afterwards when I was alone in the apartment. I had to dry up quickly and wash away the evidence by the time Naomi got back. Naomi and I attended the first Monday night seminar of the semester, which was being given by a graduate student that we know. Those are always interesting. Can't wait until Rosa gives hers!
Back to James. He smiled and said hello when he saw me. That was all. Then we parted and went our separate ways. I had a meeting with my mentor, and he probably had something equally important on his agenda.
I miss him. Does he miss me? I hope so.
...And once again, thank you, Naomi, for the country music in the background. It wouldn't be home without it, I suppose. :-/ This song sure does make me miss him. Goodness. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2004|11:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
Snap out of it, Janine.
I'm someone I don't like right now. Words like self-centered, egotistical, and spoiled come to mind when I think of how I've acted lately. Especially today.
I'm starting at the beginning now. I spent all of Monday in Stamford with Naomi, stayed the night at her sister's, and then had lunch with both of them before heading home. Upon my arrival, I expected to be greeted by an empty house. Instead, I found Claudia sitting on the couch, watching daytime television.
No, Claud wasn't sick. She'd been suspended. My jaw nearly hit the ground when she said it. My sister, suspended for a week? Claudia is a poor student doesn't apply herself, it's true, but she's never been a troublemaker. I should have thought of that before opening my mouth to give her a lecture.
Another one of my lectures. Janine, you are so good at lecturing people. You really ought to be a professor since not only do you already know how to sound like one, but also you know how to make people want to crawl under a desk and die.
I'm sure that's what Claudia wanted to do when I started telling her how badly she'd messed up. She didn't get angry or defensive. Typically, she does that. This time she just sat there and took what I dished out. She looked altogether helpless. It was as though I was the attacker, and she was my prey. She just took it, wearing a sad expression. Beyond sadness, really.
Her expression turned to surprise when I, in turn, stopped midsentence. I was in the middle of telling her exactly how this would affect her chances of getting accepted into college when I stopped. Stopped and finally really saw what I was doing to Claudia.
How insensitive am I? |
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| High School |
[Dec. 16th, 2003|09:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
What I told Shannon today was correct. College is like having two lives, your old life and your new life.
Sometimes I'm able to forget how much I hated my old life. Then I confront it somehow, and it all floods back into my memory. |
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| Janine the Genius |
[Dec. 10th, 2003|12:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
Luke Danver asked me point-blank what I wanted to do with my Ph.D. once I earned it. I told him all about it. Open mouth, insert foot. (Or since this is a computer, perhaps I should just chunk my keyboard out the window instead.) I really shouldn't have said so much about my plans because I know how it makes Claudia feel.
I know Claudia's sick of hearing the words 'genius' and 'physicist' whenever my name is mentioned. Quite frankly, I am, too. I'd love to go a week without hearing either word. Particularly, I could do without the word 'genius.' I hate it. I don't want to be Janine the Genius anymore. |
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| Charlie |
[Dec. 9th, 2003|11:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  surprised | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The First Cut is the Deepest | Sheryll Crow (Naomi's) | ] |
Just when I thought I couldn't be any more confused about my relationship with James... enter Charlie Thomas. I went to a barbeque at the house that he shares with Sam this weekend. So much has changed since high school. I was still picturing everyone looking the way they did in high school, but several of my classmates were unrecognizable! Personalities were different, too. One of the jocks from high school, Rick Garner, was even married. I never imagined him in a serious relationship. In high school, Rick never dated anyone for longer than a month.
I fretted over the party all day on Saturday. I think I changed my clothes three times. I ended up wearing a shirt of Claudia's, my own jeans, and my new black boots. I guess I looked fine. Several people commented on how different I looked without glasses and short hair (...and they didn't add this, but also without my old clothes).
It seems that Charlie and I have what may be the beginnings of a good friendship. He and I played a little pool on Saturday night. I'm pretty good at pool because my college friends and I play all the time. He wasn't expecting that, and the look on his face when I beat him was priceless. Then we sat down by ourselves and started catching up. It was surprisingly easy for me to talk to Charlie. He seemed equally at ease with me.
All the while, I was thinking about the crush that I had on Charlie throughout most of middle school and all of high school. In those days, I admired him from a distance. |
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| Some Thoughts |
[Dec. 4th, 2003|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
Claudia and I were both online at the same time, posting on the forum back and forth while chatting on AIM. She cracked me up with her "fonetec spelling method." For years, I've tried to correct Claudia's spelling and grammar. I've pretty much given up now. It's what makes her Claudia. I don't think I should try to change that. In so many ways, in fact, I'd love to be more like her.
I tell Claudia pretty much everything now. After I left for college, we became closer. I look at the relationship between Tiffany and Shannon Kilbourne, and it reminds me of how Claudia and I used to be. I hope that Shannon and Tiffany eventually come to understand each other better. Tiffany isn't exactly like Claudia, though. She's very defensive, obviously because she's hurting right now. From what I understand, the Kilbourne family is going through a rough time. I'm worried about them. I think everyone is.
There's something I wish I could talk to Claudia about right now, but I can't seem to bring myself to say it. I certainly couldn't say it online. I'd have to hear her voice and see her face to confide in her about this matter. I'd like to talk to Naomi about it, too, but I don't think I can do that either. Seems that the only place to vent about my current situation is here. So here goes:
James and I are drifting apart more and more with each passing day. I'm wondering if it has to do with the nature of our relationship. When we first got together, we decided against having sex. We made this agreement specifically because we've both been hurt by sexual relationships in the past. It just seemed like a good idea at the time to take sex out of the picture.
James once got a girl pregnant. (This has been very hard for me to accept.) He was only a senior in high school at the time. She ended up having a miscarriage, though, and the problem was resolved. Even so, James and the girl still suffered consequences. And even though they didn't want the baby, they still had to deal with the loss.
That brings me to... me. And my secret. Some people don't see sex as a big deal, but for me, it was huge. I was a virgin until I was sixteen and started dating my first boyfriend, Jerry. He coaxed me into having sex with him. Afterwards, I was left feeling very inadaquate. It had been my first time, but not Jerry's. I was sure that I wasn't as good as the other girls he'd been with. I tried to make myself more like the kind of girl I thought he wanted me to be and only ended up making a fool out of myself.
That time with Jerry was my only time. And sex ended up ruining our relationship instead of making us closer like I though it would. I had hoped that our experience would be special. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? I don't know when I'll have sex again. I'm considering waiting until I get married. So many people have said that it's better that way, and I'm starting to think I agree with them.
I don't think having sex with James will solve our problems anyway.
I don't know why I'm writing this as though I don't already know what happened to me. I guess I just want to tell it as though someone were listening. I wish there was someone who could listen without judging me.
Even Claudia still thinks I'm a virgin. |
|
|
| Thanksgiving in December |
[Dec. 2nd, 2003|07:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
Tonight, the caf held its annual Thanksgiving buffet. They do it after Thanksgiving rather than before, and we call it Thanksgiving in December. I really had a lovely evening. For once, I remembered the Thanksgiving buffet in time to arrange for all of my friends to come to dinner with me. It was really neat to have several people I know all together.
Let's see, there was Pepper, Naomi, Rosa, James, Ricky (the photojournalism guy), and Heather, Eric, and Mitch, whom I met during the photo session. We engaged in some wonderful conversations
The food was delicious. All of the selections were typical Thanksgiving foods - turkey and dressing, green beans, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, etc. The dining room was dimly lit, and live piano music set the backdrop for the dinner.
It was perfect save for one thing. That one thing has me pretty worried, too. It was James. He hardly spoke to me at dinner and didn't sit next to me. Every time I caught his eye, he seemed uncomfortable and looked away. I need to talk to him about this. It seems all we talk about lately is school. |
|
|
| Conversation with James |
[Dec. 1st, 2003|09:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
Yamakawa23: How was your meeting yesterday?
JanineKishi: Two people STILL came w/o complete outlines.
JanineKishi: ::rolls eyes:: nevermind that that was the whole point
Yamakawa23: darn them
JanineKishi: yeeeeaaaah I know.
JanineKishi: ::makes face:: I hope I never do anymore group projects. Is that too much to hope for?
Yamakawa23: i think so, yes
JanineKishi: lol
Yamakawa23: we must learn to play nicely with each other
Yamakawa23: and all that crapola
JanineKishi: nonsense |
|
|
| My Faux Pas |
[Nov. 29th, 2003|07:33 pm] |
Emily, a girl who's working on the group project with me, just IMed me to say she was going to die. I asked her why, and she said it was because I was going to kill her. I immediately thought that she was going to say she couldn't meet up with us on Monday. It wasn't that, though. She was only IMing me to say that her she'd had a crazy holiday and was just now starting on the research. I was stunned, of course, that she thought I was going to kill her over this. I told her to relax and said that as long as she had most of it done, we'd be fine. Then she immediately let me know that she'd be at the meeting on Monday.
...I can't believe she thought I was going to freak out over something like that and was worried to the point of telling me about it. Am I still so agressive? It's something I've worked on for years. Claudia was the first to point out to me that I talked down to her and many of her friends. Since then, I've tried to change. I'm not like that, I insist. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else's self-esteem just to feel better about myself. Why is it then, that my conversation with Emily seems to suggest otherwise? |
|
|
| Back to Work |
[Nov. 29th, 2003|04:14 pm] |
Why are the Thanksgiving holidays over so quickly? It seems that I barely got out of the house. I had hoped to see more people. I did get to see the whole BSC twice, on Wednesday and on Friday. I was busy the whole time, of course. Thanksgiving preparations kept me busy. Then we were quick to get out the Christmas decorations and trim up the tree, and that kept me busy. Then Mom needed me to fill in at the library this morning, and THAT kept me busy. Busy, busy, busy.
It does keep my mind off of some things. Particularly, it helps me avoid thinking of a certain relationship that's on the rocks. Though I put up a good front for anyone who asked, if the truth be told, my trip to Ashfield last weekend was less than perfect. Oh, alright, it was just plain strange. It was Mrs. Yamakawa, not James, who asked me to come. The rest of his family welcomed me, but he... he just seemed... uncomfortable. And so was I. I'm afraid that things are changing between us.
Friday, my parents brought up the fact that putting both Claudia and me through school, especially with my graduate school, was going to be difficult. It confirmed what I'd been suspecting, and I knew what it meant. The past two semesters I've gotten by with working in the university library, but now, that isn't going to be enough. I think I can rearrange my schedule to compensate, but it'll be rough. One of my classes is offerred on Mondays and Wednesdays only, and another is offerred one night a week. If I free up Fridays altogether, I can work on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Maybe I'll get a job in the hospital, again. I'll keep my job at the library during the week and work two jobs. I'll manage somehow. |
|
|
| Still Here |
[Nov. 25th, 2003|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
Two of the people I hung out with tonight, Tish and Dave, are married and now expecting their first baby. Tish is a little over four months along, and just beginning to show a bit. They were already juniors at Stoneybrook U. back when I was the sixteen-year-old that tagged along with their group. I guess it should make sense to me that they're actually settling down now and starting a family. Funny... when we were taking classes together, I never thought of myself as being THAT much younger than they were. Things sure have changed now. We're in completely different stages of our lives.
...What am I trying to say? Perhaps I'm simply saying that I wish I could move on, too. I'm a little jealous when I look at them and my other older friends. I feel like I should be settling down, too. Despite my feelings that this stage of my life ought to be complete, the reality is that I've still got graduate school ahead of me. I have to remind myself that I'm only twenty. I've always felt older than my actual age. I do look forward to graduate school, but not as much as I once thought I would. It's just... more of the same for me. |
|
|
| Home |
[Nov. 25th, 2003|03:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
I'm home. The comfortable feeling of my house makes me want to curl up in my own bed and take a nap. I've got a slight headache right now so that wouldn't be such a bad idea. I think I will.
I didn't get to leave campus as soon as I finished classes. After my last class, I had to meet with several classmates about a group presentation. The presentation was originally due a week ago, but our professor wanted to rearrange his lecture plans, and thus, he gave us an extention. Now the presentation is due Tuesday after Thanksgiving.
I didn't want the extention at all. I didn't want to think about this over the Thanksgiving holiday. Several people in my group, however, are your typical procrastinating sorts, and they loved it.
My research has been done for about two weeks. The trouble is that it has to fit in with everyone else's research somehow so that we can provide the class with a logical presentation. I don't think anyone else has really started on their research. They'll probably all do it on Sunday night. We're meeting Monday (at the last minute, of course) to put it all together. I will have hell to pay if someone in my group arrives with incomplete research. Or unorganized research. Or anything that doesn't meet my standards. I'm such a snob.
This reminds me of high school. Group projects were a nightmare for me and a joyride for everyone else in my group. "Yea, we have Janine Kishi in our group. Now we get to sit back and let her do most of the work." It's just your classic case of social loafing. Group projects don't work in individualistic cultures! Has no one taken a basic psychology class? Geez.
The only way I could ever win in a group project sitatuation was if my teacher knew enough to realize what was happening OR if we got graded on our individual performance. Otherwise, I was the work horse.
College group projects are bad for an entirely different reason. The problem here is that we college students can rarely find time to actually work together because we're always on the go. It isn't like high school where everyone is pretty much stuck on campus until the final bell. There you have time, and you have study hall or lunch together. OR you have the teacher that babies the students into working on group projects by giving them time to meet during class. What I wouldn't give for that now... |
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|
| I Live With A(nother) Lunatic. |
[Nov. 20th, 2003|11:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Yew mayde thiuhs uh Christmus to remaymbur..." | ] |
Roommate has a peculiar obsession with old country music, particularly that of Dolly Parton. Is singing "A Christmas To Remember." Don't know why she'd sing it at this hour. Don't know why she'd sing it at any hour...
Must... throw... object... at... roommate. Lucky for her it was a pillow. Not a chair. The chair was option number two, but the pillow was closer.
GO TO SLEEP, NAOMI!
Janine signing off now. (Doesn't use complete sentences late at night. Apologizes.) |
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